i’ve been feeling extremely down lately and i’m not really totally sure why. every time i feel like my energy starts to pick back up and i’m feeling happy again, something else happens or my mind goes into a frenzy and i’m down again. i hate this, i hate feeling this way.
this was a very awkward, strange and quiet weekend and i didn’t really do much. not as crazy and ridiculous as i would hope, of course. i just really wish that something would change in my life. i wish it were warmer, so that i could go for a walk. i need something big to happen that is neither upsetting or argumentative. i’m just in a very bad mindset right now, it’s pretty difficult. i keep telling myself, it’s okay…it’s okay, so that i don’t really upset. because of course when i am really upset, i get all crazy and no one wants that. i just wish that i were somewhere else. somewhere warm and basic, where i could climb on tall things so that i could be closer to the sun.
well i did horribly on my spanish test. i feel it deep down, way on the inside. it might simply come down to me not studying enough. instead of studying as much as i could, i went out for a drink and then went to a sleepover. i tried my damn-dest to study at the sleep over though, and i thought i was doing a good job but apparently not. i suck. boo hoo.:(
i’m soooo tired. i’ve gotten very little sleep over the past few days and i am looking forward to a nap this afternoon, even though naps always just make me want to stay asleep and then i feel hella lame.
rather, i feel hella lame right now because i keep dazing off. and because i’m working in founders right now, people will suddenly appear in my peripheral and they’re like, “can i borrow the stapler?” -and it startles me.
good news though, i get to see the first batch of things that i made in ceramics today. i hope that they’re beautiful. so excited. like hella so.
yesterday was my writer’s forum. i expect that it went well. it seemed like my writing was well received, but you never know with these things. of course, wonderful supporting friends insisted that, yes, yes…i did great. but how do you really know. i suppose i’ll believe them though because i have no other choice and because i do believe that i am a wonderful writer…despite what the minds of a certain small-school-publication may think. i think my words are stunning, even better I would venture to say that they tend to be rather immaculate.
this is confidence, not conceitedness…because it comes from a place of pure growth. i didn’t always think that i was a great writer and now i do. i never want to let this feeling go. it is amazing and i can’t wait to have the time to invest myself into my characters again. god, i love writing. i feel the same way about is as people do about food, football or church. it’s religious, this commitment. competitive and perscribes a certain hunger.
i am the babble champion.
i was hella sleepy at first, but then i went to the gym with my little2 and courtney. oh yeah, i worked it out…not for long though. but whatevs. i’m just really getting into it, i don’t go in expecting to come out looking like michelle obama. -i just want to to tone “this” , maybe trim it a little here or there, and knick off a few things, but aside from that i am super duper fly.
-actually i just gave a big yawn and i am still tired, but alas i must do my spanish and math, and i must read or pretend to because it is necessary for the succession of my knox career. damn, i’m dramatic.
i think that i have a.d.d. and though i think that i may have a.d.d., i don’t think that i could commit to taking behavior altering mediation.
there is something rather charming about me be all over the place… though it isn’t very productive, it is kind of amazing. it’s also really sad how little i get done. in fact, i was gonna look up natural remedies for helping me to focus AND i am also supposed to be doing my homework, instead i’m doing this. in fact this post wasn’t even supposed to be about a.d.d., it was supposed to be about this hella short poem that i wrote the other day. i need to get it together, sincerly. like hella so.
anyway, here’s the stupid little poem:
we were like the heat beneath water,
but only when the burner was turned low.
we weren’t quick to boil over;
we were persistent, ambitious… slow.
i love salt n’ pepper more than most people, because they are the shit, and they will probably always be one of my favorite groups of all times. with that said, what the fuck is wrong with pep’s face? she looks like kermit or like her face is collapsing on itself. or maybe like her face was clay and someone just careless poked holes in it…or like she didn’t give a damn about herself and let some fool ass doctor go crazy on her face, making her look like jermaine jackson.
when the commerical for “let’s talk about pep” came on the television, i waited patiently for them to show her when i realized they were showing her. it was both horrifying and real. it shocked me to the core that this woman would scissor up her face, so that she could look like hallow man. psh. i think i’m gonna pray for her and her nose. amen.
so i’m at very end of my sickness. the very end…. i can see healthier times ahead. all seems good.
i realized how much stuff i need to be doing as opposed to what i’ve been doing and i’m a little scared. almost too scared to actually gauge what i need to and make a list of it. cause a list would put my work in my face. and i don’t know if i can deal with that in my life right now. my face has had enough problems this past week. it needs no more drama. -so right now, i’m going to pretend to be oblivious and listen to songs like “808 remix” by blaque or others songs from my youth while also chowing on this bag of rice, which apparently (according to carri) is a strange thing to sit and eat, but whatevers because i like it. actually she might have said that the pineapple and THEN rice was strange. which, you know, might be but i am especially odd at times and this is not my fault. but yet again the fault of all those things listed in the last post. -oh, except yay to slacking of headaches. i’ve only had like 20 sharp pains today!! which is great in comparison to the three hundred that had me shake and cry sunday night. so yay life. -and just as i write this…another pain…betrayal.
the reason for the title, because i though that was all i was gonna have for dinner because i couldn’t find my i.d. discovery of my i/d got me pineapple, cider, rice and a muffin… the good life 🙂
so i’ve been hella sick lately, which isn’t my reason for not writing, yet just another excuse. i have a lot of them. a boat load. i will start by blaming school work, that kid that hates me, my room, con air and dr. lyle from the health services clinic. i would explain why i blame these things, but i assume that imagination can work the sequence better than i can explain, anyway. i trust that people are elaborate in that way.
ALSO, i blame three eleven year old girls…maybe one of them is a boy… that i won’t meet until tomorrow.i said that i would assist with a delivery of a workshop to some little biddies… but you know, whatever.
more importantly than anything, i must blame these “ice pick” headaches. it’s sorely painful and the pain makes me wince like i am stroking out. i’m nearly watering at the mouth. i suppose that i should just be lucky to feel better, and i will be that thankful of being this lucky.
i’ll write more once my sickly body stops complaining.